Words of Wisdom
I had a sad moment of realization hit me this past week.
My son is nine years old, and he LOVES basketball.
A few days ago, he wanted to go to the local recreation center and shoot hoops with me.
As he left to school in the morning, we planned to go after he got home, but when he got back from school, one of his buddies had followed him home and wanted to play.
My son looked at me, knowing our plan… looked at his friend, not wanting to miss the opportunity to play… and we were in a bit of a standoff.
I kept quiet, because, as his father, I was interested to see what he would choose.
Time with dad…or time with his friend?
He chose his friend.
He nervously said, “Dad, is it okay if I play with Easton today?”
I said, “Of course!” and then went off to my room to cry a little.
Just kidding.
I never cry, because I don’t have feelings.
Okay… that was a lie. I cry all the time.
And over the silliest things!
But my crying abilities are not the main topic of this month’s message.
The Power of No
I noticed this with my parents and, as I’ve been a parent now for over a decade, it’s happening with my parenting as well.
So much of our day is spent saying, “No.”
“No, you can’t cut your troll doll’s hair, it won’t grow back.”
“No, our dog doesn’t want you painting her nails.”
“No, your brother didn’t mean it when he called you an idiot.”
“No, you can’t wear your swimsuit to school.”
“No, if you tear your $20 bill in half, you don’t have $40.”
I hate to admit it, but when one of my kids approaches me with a question, my default response is “No” unless they can persuade me otherwise.
I think the list above helps justify this logic. Their requests are often ideas that I know are going to break something, hurt feelings, and probably turn into me needing to spend money to replace broken things.
Now… let me flip things around on you real quick.
The Circle of Life
Up until this last week, when Easton stole my son’s loyalty away with the promise of a bike ride around the neighborhood… it didn’t matter what I was doing, if I asked my son if he wanted to come with me, it was ALWAYS… “Yes!”
“I’m going to get a haircut, want to come?”
“Yes dad!” Followed by him running to get his shoes on.
“I’m running to the office to get a paper I forgot, want to come?”
“Yes dad!”
He’s been my little shadow for years, and his default answer has always been “Yes.”
Until last week.
And I tried to point out that there was a visible conflict within him as he made the decision to, in a nice way, tell me no.
It was hard for him.
He was uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, I think it’ll only get easier for him.
I look at my son and his sisters and I can feel the figurative leashes tethering them to me getting longer and weaker, and it’s scary.
The older they get, the less I feel able to protect them, and they feel less dependent on us parents.
It’s all part of life, I guess.
I want them to be confident and independent.
I also really like having them as my little buddies.
My Saddest Moments in Marriage
I adore my wife, and I have no doubt that she loves me – no matter how many reasons I give her to feel otherwise.
I’m not saying the following is right or wrong, it’s just how I was raised.
I try to prioritize my wife’s needs and wants above anyone else’s.
Above my parents. Above my kids. Above my friends. And, in most cases, above myself.
Am I perfect at this?
No. Not even close.
But, over the course of our 15 years together, I think I’ve done a decent job.
My wife is THE hardest person IN THE WORLD for me to tell “no.”
This means I get dragged to extended family reunions that are awkward.
We have a masquerade wedding in a couple weeks.
I’ve never been to a masquerade.
It looks weird.
I don’t dance.
It sounds like an absolute nightmare.
But… she asked.
As a husband, the single thing that has made me the most sad in specific times of our marriage is the realization that, while I have an incredibly difficult time saying no to her, I am the easiest person for her to tell “no.”
If you’ve made it to this point and you’re thinking, “Uh oh… Erik is sharing way too many marriage problems…”
Don’t worry. That’s not where this is going.
If my wife is faced with a decision of picking a request from her kids, her sisters, her parents, her friends, her coworkers… or Erik… that list order is basically the priority order of who gets the Yes answer ahead of the others, with me in last (of that group).
And this is part of life!
She doesn’t consciously go through this list order (as far as I’m aware).
She doesn’t use this in a way to compromise our relationship or hurt my feelings.
It’s just the reality of being more familiar and comfortable with someone.
At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.
This realization that husband/dad is the easiest person to tell no to gets me thinking…
Who in my life is easiest for me to respond with, “no?”
My embarrassing answer
My mom.
My mom was the easiest person for me to tell no, and now that she’s gone, I wish I had said yes more often.
If I really dig deep and try to understand why it was her, I think it was because I had no doubt that she loved me unconditionally.
As a teenager, there were moments where I knew telling her no would hurt her. But, I knew she would still love me.
I hate to think of how many times – not just as a teenager – I told her no without realizing how desperately she needed a yes.
My son has caused an internal reflection and reordering of the people and priorities that get “yes” answers more often than “no” answers.
Who is easiest for you to tell “no?”
I want you to think through this for yourself.
Who usually gets dropped when competing priorities come up at the same time?
Is it a spouse?
Is it a child?
Maybe a grandchild?
Now that’s just blasphemy!
We all know the grandkids will ALWAYS be #1.
Where we spend our time and with whom we spend our time can be a reflection of how we feel about them.
If the person you love more than anything in this world is the easiest person to tell “no,” then maybe this next week, put that person up a spot or two.
Just because we know we can get away with turning them down, because we’ve known them for so long, or we know that they love us no matter what… try and reciprocate that love back. Just this week! We don’t have to do something crazy life-changing… but just for a short time.
Make the conscious decision to understand the incredible power of “No,” and counter it with the even stronger power of “Yes.”
How about another secret key word to prove you made it here?
Another thing I have a tough time telling “no” is my golden retriever – Ruby.
Mention Ruby, and we’ll both know you made it to this point 🙂 |
